C O L L E G E

 19th Nov 2023, India lost the worldcup to Australia again. That yellow jersey country now has 6 world cups can you believe that? But the point anyway is not about who won, the point, for obvious obvious reasons, is what I am doing as I watch this world cup series. I was watching the match with PG friends, everyone was excited in the beginning but soon all the room went silent and sad. The opposite team was playing well and we were going loose the WC again. Right today as I was watching this finals I am a first year engineering student at NIE mysore, who took admission through comedk after even taking a drop year for jee and miserably failing at it.  In the last world cup i.e 2019, I remember I was watching the quarter finals in hospital bed. I was hospitalized due to dengue fever. I also remember that on the same hospital bed I unboxed my dad's new phone, discovered indian hip hop and I also remember... Im not sure if I can still reveal sensitive information of my life here. ...

Its been more than 2 months since college started and there were rarely few days when I liked it. I don't like this city, this place, this PG, this food, this life. Nothing. Not even friends tbh. I have no idea how I am going to spend 4 years here. This sucks. I wish I could go back to Hubli. I wish i could go back to HOME... It not always bad here. For example this college is vast and has very less crowd. So I often take walks alone near library building. There is just so much solitude in it. That part has to be my favorite. And beside that building and cricket ground nobody even takes a glance. Nobody would get to know if some guys smoked weed or made out there. I go there alone and play chess or check my diary. Peace is there for sure no doubt. There are many falls-type of places here so whenever you are bored you can go to KRS back waters, brindavan garden, balmuri falls or yedmuri falls etc. Even the roads are good and the route has many serene views. Nice scenery of step irri...

 Tbh at this point I just want to... SLEEP. I want to escape this world. This life. I want to forget my past and start fresh like a newborn baby. Gee whiz what am I even thinking lmao I have friends who are clinically depressed. I have friends who are literally killing in life and some are busy playing games and scrolling reels. But who am I amongst these? do i even have an identity? no i dont i never had. I'm a fucking loser good at nothing. Absolutely nothing. I hate myself, does that even make sense? Goddamn I'm living a existential life.  I am always reminded of that idea from dostoevsky's book, the notes from underground. In the beginng of novel narrator tells that intelligence is a curse and I quite relate to it. Im not sure if im intelligent, it also might be... idk man. lets fucking get it straight okay now. I'm done... stfu im not going to write it here. i will write it in my diary. NO! you had decided not to do rr in it. but lets do it like problem and solutio...

 Holmes you won't believe what happened today. Let me start from the start. Morning 5.30 I reached Hubli. Went home and ate 15 idlis, I missed eating rava idli so much. Mom was so happy. Even I was. Baap toh hasta nahi but its fine. I had come in genral seating. So slept till 12. Next had 4 chapatis and curd rice and pooran poli, nothing beats my home food fosho. Later I went to meet julie mam's teddy bear. He getting sexier day by day. First we went to his brother's cafe then we went to smoke shop, below the cafe, and bought 220rs worth cigar. Teddy pulled out his bike key and we drove to devargudihaal lake. I made vlog while I was on bike. We noobs were trying to imitate top G. Yo what color is bugatti lol. We smoked that purp after reaching. It was bad and strong. Came back home

 Even after having so many friends i don't know why i always feel lonely. I badly want a girlfriend but i dont find anyone attractive in my class.  Not to brag but i act upon my priorities on this. Making money is the first priority. What if you have a gf but not the money. That insecurity eats me. I know good(so called)girls don't care about money but burh i want to provide. I dont want to think about money when i go out with her. I want to be able to pay for all the shit. Idk if this makes sense to you but who cares should i write here about my day? im confused. i usually open this when i feel like to let out. not to share about my day. nvm forget it

  Fuck this place. I don't feel like staying here. I want to go back home. I want to go back to hubli.