C O L L E G E

 Tbh at this point I just want to... SLEEP. I want to escape this world. This life. I want to forget my past and start fresh like a newborn baby. Gee whiz what am I even thinking lmao I have friends who are clinically depressed. I have friends who are literally killing in life and some are busy playing games and scrolling reels. But who am I amongst these? do i even have an identity? no i dont i never had. I'm a fucking loser good at nothing. Absolutely nothing. I hate myself, does that even make sense? Goddamn I'm living a existential life.  I am always reminded of that idea from dostoevsky's book, the notes from underground. In the beginng of novel narrator tells that intelligence is a curse and I quite relate to it. Im not sure if im intelligent, it also might be... idk man. lets fucking get it straight okay now. I'm done... stfu im not going to write it here. i will write it in my diary. NO! you had decided not to do rr in it. but lets do it like problem and solutio...

 Holmes you won't believe what happened today. Let me start from the start. Morning 5.30 I reached Hubli. Went home and ate 15 idlis, I missed eating rava idli so much. Mom was so happy. Even I was. Baap toh hasta nahi but its fine. I had come in genral seating. So slept till 12. Next had 4 chapatis and curd rice and pooran poli, nothing beats my home food fosho. Later I went to meet julie mam's teddy bear. He getting sexier day by day. First we went to his brother's cafe then we went to smoke shop, below the cafe, and bought 220rs worth cigar. Teddy pulled out his bike key and we drove to devargudihaal lake. I made vlog while I was on bike. We noobs were trying to imitate top G. Yo what color is bugatti lol. We smoked that purp after reaching. It was bad and strong. Came back home

 Even after having so many friends i don't know why i always feel lonely. I badly want a girlfriend but i dont find anyone attractive in my class.  Not to brag but i act upon my priorities on this. Making money is the first priority. What if you have a gf but not the money. That insecurity eats me. I know good(so called)girls don't care about money but burh i want to provide. I dont want to think about money when i go out with her. I want to be able to pay for all the shit. Idk if this makes sense to you but who cares should i write here about my day? im confused. i usually open this when i feel like to let out. not to share about my day. nvm forget it

  Fuck this place. I don't feel like staying here. I want to go back home. I want to go back to hubli. 

 Every time I think of writing here I automatically start with Holmes... . Holmes is my personal journal. A secret diary which I'm writing from past four years. Even the name of my laptop is Holmes. Holmes is a part of me. Holmes aint sherlock holmes; he's just holmes. sounds funny I know. Crazy how I always feel to write when I'm hurt; disappointed or feeling low. I just want to write, essentially not regarding why I am sad or to let my randi rona out. I WANT to write bcoz its satisfying. It relaxes me. It eases my anxious mind. Freedom it is. Freedom where I can express my thoughts without any hesitation. A place where I can speak about my deepest insecurities and sins(not really).  Remember that writer Anushku from the movie Rangitaranga? I loved that character. I watched that movie when I was prolly in 5th standard and for some reason idk he has remained in my heart from then. That character was beautifully carved like da vinci's painting. Simple yet spectacular. Im...

So many stories to tell, so many seccrets to spill, so many judgements to be made. Yet I'm not sure if I will let them out; maybe I will eventually, if not here then elsewhere.  I'm in hubli right now. My home. My happy place, although i was depressed most of the time here but yes I feel happy to come back and spend some time again. 5 days of grand holidays we've got. So I ran like a cheetah. lol I spent my 19th birthday night in the train. How unique is that. Not gon lie, that night I had good sleep(usually good sleep aint easy for me in train). 28th morning i was here. Train was half hour early. Rode to home on dad's bike. took bath, left to eat idli. spent a normal afternoon. At night i joined ratata and mani to 11th day ganapati visarjan. we all (kuratti, rotti, mani and tejas) ate biryani and came back at 12.  29th I went to ahem yes. home at 4 to 8. Nice cute one it was(wish i could say it here haha). later met sam hsm and ratata. ate shawarma, egg rice, pizza and...